Well, if I’m not black enough, and I’m not Christian enough, then What Am I?

Growing up in Norman, Ok and spending much of my time in Spencer, Oklahoma with my family, caused me to have a lot of personality challenges. I wasn’t white enough in Norman, and I wasn’t black enough in Spencer. My nickname from my cousins was Chelsea Clinton. These challenges went as deep as changing the way I spoke and wrote certain words that followed me throughout my adulthood. For example, I spelled cool, Kool and pronounced it the way that Kool and the Gang, and Kool-Aide does to avoid “talking white”. At school, I dealt with racism where some children avoided playing with me because I was dirty, referring to the color my skin. I despised living in Norman, so much so, that I started a petition in the 3rd grade, prompting my parents to move us to Spencer, Ok.

As if that wasn’t enough, I was the granddaughter of a Pastor, the daughter of Two goodie two shoe parents who very seldom got in trouble, and then there was me the rebel teenager, struggling with her spirituality and identity. Even though I accepted Christ as a teenager while singing the song Certainly Lord in the children’s choir, my alter ego was Miranda Lambert and Gretchen Wilson because that’s who I wanted to be like if I could. I wanted to be able to sing country about guns and love while smoking cigarettes on stage. I’ve always longed for freedom and even now I strive to be able to share my experiences, and still have the freedom to be me, while growing privately. My struggle spiritually was because I always felt like the eyes and the judgement of the church was always on me and that I needed to prove myself. I also believed that to minister to others, I must be the perfect Christian. There was always a battle of these few things in my heart and mind.

What I wish I knew back then is that it’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s easier to learn from the mistakes of others. Part of the reason why I have been slow to walk in my purpose consistently is because I wanted to be able to live how I wanted to, drink, and party openly, without anyone holding me accountable for my actions and to be transparent and sometimes I still do. I also had many life challenges that I felt disqualified me from living out my purpose. We all will have moments where we back slide, but our purpose remains the same and can still be used to help someone else.

What I know now is that there’s beauty in taking the road less traveled. From my commute to work to the more extensive decisions in life, I choose the road less traveled. I now enjoy being different because I’ve fought too long, and made too many messes, fighting to prove how different I WASN’T. I now understand the importance of embracing who you are and accepting the calling of being different. My mother used to remind me that there was a mark on my life, a mark that I often wish I didn’t have but I know that in due time the reason for this mark will be revealed to me and assist me in continuing to pursue my purpose in its fullness. I appreciate those that give me the space and opportunity to live, learn & grow.